Schatzi Von Jiftofen (Part 1)

Being a superhero is REALLY hard work. Being superhuman, though, when you're not being a superhero is almost as bad.

I haven't updated in a long time, and I'm sorry friends. I'm about to go into my biggest bust on a supervillain yet, just to make it up to you.

Anyways, the reason I haven't been updating this thing is I got sort-of-kind-of promoted at work. Get this: I've got the JOB of our old night manager. I've got the PAY of our old night manager. I've got the RESPONSIBILITY of our old night manager, but I don't have the TITLE of night manager.

This gets us back to my first point. Being superhuman is HARD when you're trying to hide it. As a superhero, hell, I'm supposed to be! But as just a schlub who's ALMOST a night manager at a hotel, I'm supposed to be just pulling a paycheck.

See, my job is to set up and tear down the banquet rooms here at the hotel and make sure everything's set up. Now, a normal guy can carry like three or four of the chairs for banquets at a time pretty comfortably. I could probably lift 100 of them. The catch is, if I'm carrying six stacks of 8 chairs each, three on each arm, and somebody walks in, they're like "HES A FREAK" and I get fired and ousted and my enemies go after my family. It's the whole Spider-Man thing. So I have to pace myself and use dollies and things. It really sucks and makes the job really tedious.

The good news is, unlike when I'm working front desk here at the hotel, or when I'm the Punchernaut, I can listen to music on my iPod while I work.

That's why I missed the explosions.

They were all the way downtown, so of course the ground didn't shake. I didn't know about it until I got off two hours later.

"What do you think of those attacks downtown?" That's what my boss asked me as I walked into the office to clock out.

"Attacks?"

"Yeah, that blimp!"

"Blimp!?"

"With the Nazis!"

"NAZIS!?"

I clocked out and walked as fast as I could out to my car. I could see the blimp to the south, right about where I last fought Willie. I got my uniform and walked as fast as I could to the dumpsters. I got into the dumpster as fast as I could and changed. Then I took off for downtown.

I took my car, and scoped the news radio on the way there. That's one thing I love about my superhero costume. It's just a white shirt and tie. If I have my glasses on and my eyepatch off, I just look like a guy in a tie driving his car. I used to make fun of the whole Superman/Clark Kent thing, but it works surprisingly well. Hell, I even go with contacts sometimes. It's all in the eyepatch.

Anyway, the radio. That's where I heard the broadcast I mentioned in my last entry. This is going to be so damn cool. I'll be fighting Nazis just like Captain America! And what's more American-Hero than fighting Nazis?

So I ditch my car a few blocks away. Sure enough, there's a big Swastika on the side of the blimp. It was so huge I couldn't see the sun and half of the downtown area was covered in its silhouette. I was pumped. I jumped in the air a few times, trying to fly, but it wasn't working. I needed an audience.

So naturally, I just threw myself in the thick of things.

SWAT teams were posted all around the Main Street area, and all the guys in their Kevlar vests and riot helmets were standing around. "How the hell do we fight a goddamn blimp?" I heard one mutter. That was right before he saw me. Then he said something along the lines of "Oh shit..."

I heard shotguns being cocked and saw them being pointed in my direction. I ignored it, though, because there was some reluctance. The TV news crews were everywhere, and just like the shotguns, the cameras were all pointed on me. Time to be the stoic hero.

I surveyed the area. A big smoking hole in the old Showplace 3 Cinema to my left, another one in the street in front of the funeral home. I tucked my hands into my pockets and looked at the blimp, then over to the smoke rising up over by the Old National Bank building.

The police had set up a perimeter, and despite the fact that they'd issued an evacuation warning, droves of citizens had flocked to the area, standing behind the yellow "POLICE LINE" saw horses. Every eye was on me. I could feel their gaze tingling over my body like electricity.

This is going to be awesome.

"Punchernaut! Get your hands where I can see them!" A trembling voice coming through a bull horn.

"Take a flying leap," I spat. "I've pulled your fat out of the fryer more times than I can count and I'm about to do it again."

There was a bay open on the bottom of the blimp. I guess that'd be the best way to go in.

"I- You ass hole!" the police captain said, putting the bull horn down on the hood of his squad car, falling silent.

"Just leave this to the professionals," I wiped my hands off on my jeans. "Okay... here we go." I straightened my tie.

I hatch a plan in my head. First step, fly. Second step, land inside that bay on the bottom of the blimp. Third step, beat everyone inside up.

Sometimes with things this big, it's best to have no plan at all.

And with that thought in my head, I took off, ripping through the sky with my tie flapping in the wind. A cheer rose from the spectators below, lifting me higher and faster toward the blimp. It got bigger.

Then bigger.

Then bigger.

And about that time I realized how immense it was, and how high I was flying.

My God, I thought, I can't see anything but that blimp.

And then, a tiny white line shot out of that bay I was headed for.

A white line that grew into a white cylinder.

The white cylinder was leaving a blue-gray trail of smoke.

"Oh shit, a rocket!" I spun through the air and grabbed hold of it. I was being pulled down, down, so fast the wind was hurting my cheeks. My fingers dug into the steel sides of the rocket, my thumb digging into the middle of a sloppily painted swastika. My feet dug into the fins on the back and I kicked. The rocket upturned and flew right back at the blimp.

Direct hit. Just at the lip of the bay. Showers of smoldering metal sail past me and chunks of debris land in my hair. Another cheer from below, so far away now.

God, this is going to be awesome.

If they didn't already know I was coming, they do now.

Schatzi Von Jiftofen (Prelude)

Music to my ears. Dig the newscast:

"A dark cloud has fallen over the city. A dirigible displaying a German Swastika on the side entered Vincennes airspace and machine guns opened fire on the downtown area. Citizens were given an evacuation order.

"Police are baffled and have no idea how to respond.

"What hope does the city of Vincennes have?

"Where is the Punchernaut!?"

I'm right here, baby.

Don't worry.